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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24338269">Why Can't I Have That?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Auroras5tar/pseuds/Auroras5tar'>Auroras5tar</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Seongjoong Week 2020 [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>ATEEZ (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Idols, Angst, Crying, Cuddles, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family-Like Relationships, Fluff and Angst, Hard Transitions, M/M, Oblivious Hongjoong, Predebut ATEEZ, Seonghwa Isolates Himself, Worried Ateez</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:07:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,364</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24338269</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Auroras5tar/pseuds/Auroras5tar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It was just a video clip posted during their LA training. It shouldn't hurt anything... So why did Seonghwa feel this way?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Seongjoong Week 2020 [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1763071</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>188</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Seongjoong Week 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Why Can't I Have That?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey, guys! Sorry it's been a while since I posted. School got busy with finals a few weeks ago, so I couldn't write. Immediately after finals, I had to write my ideas for Seongjoong Week. All of what I post this week may be on the shorter side just because of time restraint. I don't normally write Seongjoong, so this will be a wild ride. Hopefully, I did them justice.</p><p>This was inspired by that clip of Seonghwa whining about Hongjoong not giving him skinship like he does the others.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Despair and panic ran through Seonghwa’s veins as he watched episode 17 of the America training for KQ Fellaz. It had been a while before he could find a lull in the schedule long enough that he could binge watch their show, wanting to know what the fans saw, but when he saw the scene with him and Hongjoong, he froze. He was hoping that <em>that</em> specific scene wasn’t going to make it in, but of course it did.</p><p>To outsiders, it was a playful banter between two friends, but for Seonghwa, it actually held a serious undertone. As the youngest of his family, he wasn’t opposed to skinship and actually encouraged it, and he would be lying if he said that it didn’t hurt a little bit that Hongjoong was more open to giving the younger members skinship then he was to giving him skinship. He could also already see the fans bringing up that “cute interaction” with him whining and being offended for a long time, disappearing for a while before getting dredged back up. He had seen enough from other fandoms to know that much.</p><p>Seonghwa should never have played along like that because now his serious undertoned conversation was now being played off as a playful banter or even a joke, and it was affecting him more than it should have. </p><p>The first couple of days, he could pretend he was fine around the others. Smile, skinship, mothering them, cleaning, cooking. All that was easy… but as the days passed and the feeling and situation festered underneath Seonghwa’s skin, he slowly started isolating himself from his bandmates. First, he started spacing out more and stopped smiling and contributing to conversation as much. Then, his desire for skinship faded, and he would recoil anyone tried giving him skinship. He didn’t stop cooking or cleaning, but he did stay in his and Hongjoong’s room as much as schedules would allow.</p><p>He could feel the members giving him worried stares as he drew into himself. All the members except one. The one who would barely come to the dorm at normal hours and only came to wash up and sleep before heading back out, focusing on debuting and giving his all to composing. The one Seonghwa knew deep down that he wanted this member to notice because it all started with him. Hongjoong.</p><p>His mood only soured even more when he couldn’t record properly and Eden had to gently and repeatedly try to get him to do it right. That night, Seonghwa didn’t even eat dinner. He just took a shower as the others(minus Hongjoong. Always minus Hongjoong it seemed) ate and then tucked himself into his room that he shared with Hongjoong. He tidied the room like he always did and was on his way to turn out the light when he heard the dorm door open and close before Hongjoong’s voice rang out.</p><p>“I’m home, guys. I hope you saved some food for me- Hey, where’s Seonghwa?”</p><p>There was a long pause that Seonghwa used to flip the light off before Jongho spoke.</p><p>“He went to his room. He’s been doing this for the past week, hyung. He barely talks to us. Doesn’t smile. <em>Avoids skinship.</em> And he stays in the bedroom as much as he can to stay away from us. We don’t know what’s wrong. It seems like it happened without a cause.”</p><p>“Oh… Has someone tried to get him to talk?”</p><p>Another pause before Yunho spoke this time.</p><p>“He won’t let us. He always changes the topic if we ask, or he plays it off. It’s worrying. I can tell something is upsetting him, but I can’t help because he won’t talk.”</p><p>Seonghwa pressed his forehead against the wall gently as he felt tears silently fall down his face, and he subtly sniffed before turning away from the door to walk to the bed and climb into his bunk since he didn’t want to hear anything more. He had the top bunk for some reason despite being taller, but he supposed it was because Hongjoong came and went at odd hours and didn’t want to wake him up.</p><p>He settled down as he listened to the faint murmurs of his members through the wall, situating himself on his side and curled in on himself slightly with his back to the door like he had been doing since this slump had started. When the door creaked open some time later, Seonghwa had been dozing off with made up images flashing through his mind. He seemed to ignore the fact that tears were still silently and slowly dripping down his face because of those images as he stayed relaxed in his sleepy state just to see what would happen.</p><p>He heard the door creak close and then drawers open and close quietly as Hongjoong changed before the footsteps approached the bed. Instead of the lower bed squeaking when Hongjoong laid down, he heard the ladder get climbed before he felt movement along his bed, surprising him slightly. Hongjoong had crawled into his bed. Hongjoong never climbed into his bed, so Seonghwa knew Hongjoong was especially worried about him.</p><p>If Seonghwa had been more awake, then he would have frozen at the movement, but he stayed relaxed and complacent even as Hongjoong lightly grabbed his shoulder and pulled back to turn him slightly. There was a small gasp when Hongjoong took in Seonghwa’s tear stained face before a small hand was pressed against his cheek and a thumb brushed under his eye to collect the moisture slowly drying there. Hongjoong then turned him back to his previous position before nudging him forward to create a bit more space and sliding under the covers behind him.</p><p>This time Seonghwa did tense slightly as Hongjoong pressed against his back hesitantly and reached around to hug him firmly, rubbing soothing patterns on his chest that he felt as strongly as if Hongjoong was touching his bare skin. He slowly relaxed once more and curled in on himself more with a barely there whimper, head moving to help him curl smaller as well as to give Hongjoong more pillow room.</p><p>“It’s ok, Hwa. I’m here now. You can let go. I’ll be here in whatever capacity you’ll have me in that’ll help you through this.”</p><p>The words were whispered against his back, but he still heard them as one last tear fell down his face before he fell asleep with Hongjoong spooning him despite him physically being bigger.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <strong>«━━━ ♫ ━━━»</strong>
  </p>
</div><p> </p><p>When Seonghwa woke up in the morning, Hongjoong was still curled up against him protectively with even breaths puffing against his back. He rolled over slowly and tucked his head under Hongjoong’s jaw and into his shirt while wedging his arms between their chests, wanting to keep the skinship going because he had a feeling as soon as the other woke up, it would be done. He took a deep breath and relaxed once more against Hongjoong and even let himself doze in and out of sleep.</p><p>A while later, Seonghwa felt Hongjoong stir, squeezing him lightly and letting out a soft groan as he felt the other bury his face in his hair. Hongjoong rolled onto his back, resulting in Seonghwa half-slumping over onto the leader and a confused noise coming from Hongjoong. That was when Hongjoong opened his eyes and lifted his head to see Seonghwa’s sleeping face pressed against his chest.</p><p>The leader took this time to study Seonghwa’s face, noting the underlying tension in the other’s face even while sleeping, so he knew that whatever was bothering Seonghwa was something major to him. He would have to talk to him, but at that moment, he would let Seonghwa sleep until he woke up on his own. </p><p>Hongjoong let his head fall back against the bed again, and he brought a hand up to run through Seonghwa’s hair gently, procuring a soft hum from the sleeping male. Seonghwa shifted into his hand, and Hongjoong frowned as he realized how touch starved the elder was since he averted any kind of touching from the others and that went against his very personality. The door to their room opened, and Hongjoong blinked before looking over at the door to see Yeosang standing there.</p><p>He let out a soft, questioning hum as Yeosang walked over so that he did not wake Seonghwa when he spoke.</p><p>“We fixed breakfast. Just come out whenever. Do you want us to eat without you two?”</p><p>“If you want. I’ll try to get him out there so that everyone can see that he’s alive. Just let them know to not push him if I get him out there. Ok?”</p><p>“Ok, hyung. I’ll go tell them.”</p><p>Yeosang nodded as he spoke and reached over to rub Seonghwa’s back, knowing it would be the only time he would be able to give any kind of skinship with his hyung for now. He then walked out, leaving Hongjoong alone with Seonghwa once more.</p><p>After a little bit of time, Seonghwa finally stirred awake, having not been aware that instead of just dozing off like he initially planned, he actually fell back asleep. He let out a soft hum and nuzzled into the warmth he felt, hugging his source of warmth tighter. He let out a noise of surprise, though, when his warm source vibrated before he registered the soft chuckle he heard. He blinked open his eyes slowly and slid his gaze to look at Hongjoong, eyes widening slightly before trying to push away.</p><p>Hongjoong didn’t let him push away, though, and he held Seonghwa tight to his chest until the elder gave up trying to get away. Seonghwa sank back into Hongjoong’s chest with a defeated sigh and let the leader run his hand through his hair, massaging his scalp dutifully and letting a small smile show as he further melted against Hongjoong. The two stayed like this for a while before Hongjoong spoke.</p><p>“Do you want to go eat breakfast and then we can talk about what’s upsetting you? The others are really worried for you.”</p><p>Seonghwa hummed non committedly but pushed himself to sit up and ruffled his hair before moving towards the ladder. He never made it to the ladder, though, because a hand gripped his wrist and tugged.</p><p>“Words, Seonghwa. The others said that you don’t talk anymore unless needed. I’m asking you as a friend to please talk to us or at least me so that they can hear your voice in an unimportant conversation during breakfast.”</p><p>A few moments passed before Seonghwa nodded.</p><p>“Ok. Lets go get breakfast.”</p><p>Hongjoong smiled and let go of Seonghwa to let him climb down before following. He took Seonghwa’s hand and led the elder out of their room and to the dining area that was still full of the other members being loud like normal. The room hushed for a millisecond as everyone registered Seonghwa walk in behind Hongjoong before the leader pushed Seonghwa to sit down in an open seat. Seonghwa complied and sat there with his shoulders hunched slightly as he looked at the table, but he glanced up at everyone as he wet his lips and spoke softly.</p><p>“Good morning.”</p><p>The room froze, and suddenly, Seonghwa had six pairs of eyes on him, which made his eyes widen slightly before he looked down at the table again. He didn’t like the attention he was getting like this, and it seemed Hongjoong picked up on this as he fixed them plates.</p><p>“Guys.”</p><p>That one word set everyone back to normal, and Hongjoong set a plate down in front of him with a glass of milk accompanying it. He expected Hongjoong to sit next to him, but instead Hongjoong sat next to Mingi and Yunho. Any happiness he had been feeling quickly diminished once more, and he quietly started eating. Though, he didn’t forget what he had agreed to, so he occasionally chimed into the conversation.</p><p>Watching quietly, he noticed Yunho stand up and start collecting empty dishes to go start his duty of washing dishes before he continued eating. He was almost done when he saw Hongjoong get up and put his dishes next to the sink and then give Yunho a back hug as he spoke to the dancer. </p><p>Seonghwa suddenly felt sick as the reason for his sour mood was thrown into his face again, and he quickly finished eating, barely swallowing down his food before he stood up suddenly. The chair screeched loudly, but he didn’t pay it any mind as he grabbed his glass and plate before moving to the sink and putting them on top of Hongjoong’s dishes. He avoided Hongjoong’s attempt to grab his wrist, and he walked out of the dining area before walking back in and pushing his chair in. Even in his distressed state, he couldn’t leave the chair in the wrong spot.</p><p>Once the chair was tucked in again, he quickly rushed to his and Hongjoong’s room, quietly closing the door. He acted on impulse as he quickly changed out of his sleepwear and into casual clothes, grabbing the first clothing items he found. A pair of black skinny jeans, a “Crush on you” shirt, and an oversized grey hoodie as well as socks. He then walked out of the room quietly and snuck to the hallway, bending down to grab his shoes while he heard the worried voices of his members in the dining area.</p><p>Seonghwa shook his head at them and silently exited the dorm, forgetting everything in the dorm: his keys, wallet, and most importantly, his phone. He rushed to the elevator and quickly got on it when the doors opened. Only then did he lean down to put his shoes on, and then he pulled the hood up over his hair to hide his bed hair as he rushed out the building.</p><p>He knew the others would figure out he was gone quickly, so he broke out into a sprint, not really having an end destination and just going in whatever direction his feet take him. Seonghwa only stopped when he was blocks away and out of breath. He shoved his hands into his hoodie pocket and kept walking on his mindless journey. The dorm had started to feel suffocating, and he needed a break. It was a good thing they had a rest day that day, or he would have been in trouble. He still might be in trouble for running out without telling anyone where he was going and for leaving his phone.</p><p>A while later, Seonghwa found himself in a park that he didn’t recognize, and only when he looked at the park name did he realize just how far from the dorm he was. He was halfway across the city from their dorm. He let out a humorless laugh and walked through the park before finding a secluded area and sitting on a bench, eyes staring at nothing in front of him.</p><p>He stayed like this for a long while as he walked the depths of his mind, letting his troubles tear him into all directions like a leaf in a storm. He was so deep in his mind that he missed the person joining him and sitting on the other side of the bench before getting out their phone and texting someone. It wasn’t until he felt a touch on his hand that he snapped out of his mind and looked at the origin of the other hand.</p><p>Blinking slowly, Seonghwa could hardly believe it as he saw Hongjoong staring back at him in open concern. He didn’t do anything to pull away, though, so Hongjoong moved closer until they were side by side. Hongjoong never pulled his hand away from Seonghwa’s, but Seonghwa still jumped when he felt Hongjoong grab his hand and rub along the back of it.</p><p>“Seonghwa, please talk to me. You left the dorm without telling anyone <em>and</em> you left your phone and keys. The others were out of their mind with worry. I gave you an hour or two to come back, but it’s been <em>6</em> hours. Almost 7. We’ve been looking for you everywhere.”</p><p>Seonghwa blinked, feeling guilt wash over him on top of the chaos of emotions he already felt, and he felt his eyes start to burn with unshed tears as he hunched over into himself. He turned his face to the ground and sniffed.</p><p>“ ‘m sorry. I-I needed air. The dorm was feeling suffocating.”</p><p>“Hey, hey, hey. What’s bringing this on? Don’t cry.”</p><p>Hongjoong brought his free hand up to brush against Seonghwa’s cheek, and Seonghwa nuzzled into it as the first tears fell. He turned towards the leader and sank down to place his face in Hongjoong’s neck.</p><p>“I’m gonna sound dumb.”</p><p>“Hwa, nothing is dumb if it upsets you this much. Talk to me. Please.”</p><p>Hongjoong moved to hug him, and Seonghwa melted even more against the leader as he took deep breaths to keep himself calm so that Hongjoong could understand what he was saying.</p><p>“You remember back in LA when Yeosang was filming us?”</p><p>“The cute banter thing? What about it?”</p><p>“Yeah. I was being serious about that, but everyone just shrugged it off as playful and joking. Now our fans will forever bring it up and probably coo over it because it was cute or whatever. I just want what the others get. Why can’t I have that, Hongjoong? You only give me skinship when I’m upset. Why can’t I get cuddles like San or hugs like Yunho? Why do you treat me differently? Do you not like me as much?”</p><p>Seonghwa let out a soft sob as he felt himself crumble after finally letting out what had been troubling him, and he pressed his face more against Hongjoong’s neck and shirt to muffle any stray sobs. Hongjoong stayed frozen for a while before tightening his hold on Seonghwa.</p><p>“Seonghwa, I love you all equally. I promise… I always forget how difficult it must be for you to go from being the youngest to suddenly being the oldest. I’ll try harder to make the transition feel less of a big change and give you skinship like I do with the others. I should have realized that as leader. I’m sorry for not noticing what was bothering you earlier. Forgive me?”</p><p>Seonghwa shook his head and finally wrapped his own arms around Hongjoong.</p><p>“Don’t put the blame on yourself. I am also to blame. I wanted to be strong and shoulder this alone since I’m the oldest, and the oldest tends to take care of everyone. I didn’t want to let anyone down. Especially since Jongho acts like he’s the oldest most of the time.”</p><p>“Hwa, you can come to any of us at any time. You realize that? We’re here for each other. Don’t try to fit yourself into someone else’s standards. You aren’t any of them. You’re you. Park Seonghwa of Ateez. Let yourself be free with no facade. Ok?”</p><p>“Ok… Only if you take your own words to heart. You can talk to me anytime you feel burdened. Promise?”</p><p>Hongjoong chuckled as Seonghwa pulled away from him, wiping his face before holding out his pinky. The eldest left his hand hanging there until Hongjoong curled their pinkies together and touched thumbs.</p><p>“Promise. Now, I’m sure we have 6 worried kids at home. Lets head back before they burn the building down.”</p><p>Seonghwa let out a laugh that sounded a little wet still, but he stood with a small smile on his face, helping Hongjoong stand up before the two of them started heading back with their arms pressed together. They talked about nothing as they trekked all the way back to the dorm, but as soon as Seonghwa stepped foot in their dorm, he was attacked with hugs from all of the members. It was clear to the younger members that Hongjoong and Seonghwa had talked about whatever was bothering the eldest because Seonghwa was back to normal, clinging on to whoever would let him, and they wouldn’t have it any other way.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading! Find me on <a href="https://twitter.com/5tarspromise">twitter</a> and <a href="https://curiouscat.me/5tarspromise">Curious Cat</a>!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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